3 Weeks
Autolysis.
My uterus is busy undergoing autolysis, which basically means it is self-destructing. All the extra infrastructure that was built up during the pregnancy is getting consumed and passed out in the form of blood and tissue.
My life seems also to be undergoing autolysis. I used to have hobbies, interests, thoughts. Now I feed, change, burp and try to convince 2 people to sleep. The free time I have is used to sleep myself. Everything that made up my identity has been sucked away into the great maw that is motherhood. To make things worse, I don’t seem to be very good at this. The world is full of twin mothers who exclusivly breast fed their infants without help, apparently while also juggling fire, working full time and saving the world. Meanwhile, I can barely manage to feed each baby 40 - 50% breastmilk. I spend so little time holding J. that I don’t even think he knows I am his mother. I hate breastfeeding, I am in constant pain of one sort or another, the incision still hurts so much that sometimes I can barely walk and I have almost no appetite. We broke down and hired help that will start coming in next week, at which point my mother will go home.
And, we have an ant problem.
Stumble it!
Donate to the Zoë and Lennox Simpson Memorial Fund
and the 529 college savings accounts get a kickback.
July 28th, 2006 10:34
The only thing I have ever successsfully cared for is goldfish so I am certainly not about to pass on any words of wisdom to you. But, I am certain that you are doing a much better job than you realize. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Looking forward to seeing you and Brian and my niece and nephew in a few weeks!
Love, amie
July 28th, 2006 11:47
The world is not filled with twin mothers. Nor is it peopled with twin mothers who exclusively breast fed. Everyone I know is amazed at how easy it looks from the outside. If they only knew, eh? Well, remember the first rule of acting -> make it look easy.
Love,
Brian
July 28th, 2006 13:18
Oh Stacie.
You do what you can with what you’ve got. Twins are hard. Tandem nursing is challenging. Recovering from major surgery is challenging.
I’ve talked to a lot of moms over the years– and dads too, for that matter– and I can’t think of any of them who felt really good at parenting during the first weeks of their first babies lives. Even without the extra challenges of twins, tandem nursing, and recovering from surgery.
It’s a challenging period of time. It will get better. You’re doing the right thing by making sure you have the support and help you need.
It will get better.
July 28th, 2006 13:24
My dear Stacie, I really feel for you!
Please remember this: Being able to provide 40 - 50 percent breastmilk is a huge acheivement and you should be proud that you’ve made it this far. You are doing a wonderful job.
Caring for two newborns and recovering from major surgery simultaneously is extremely physically taxing.
I am sure you would not hate breastfeeding if it weren’t so painful for you. As a former breastfeeding counselor, I can tell you that many moms — even moms of singletons– give up within a day or two, and many twin moms don’t even bother trying from day one. So you are doing really well by comparison.
If there’s any way that you can get a really good lactation consultant there to help you with latch and positioning, that might help get the breastfeeding more comfortable. A good lactation consultant should spend 2 to 3 hours hanging out with you and observing feeds, weighing babies before and after a feed, and discuss options with you and also LISTEN to what you want and not make recommendations that are not practical for you.
If not, don’t sweat it. Time heals all wounds, even nipples.
Wishing you many hours of sleep and healing…
Pam
July 28th, 2006 14:53
Ah, Stacie, as you well know, I can’t offer any advice (except on recovering from abdominal surgery) but I wanted you to know, you have my (long-distance) support if you need it. You really are doing a fantastic job. Once you get the extra help in and get some rest and a good routine, things will go so much more smoothly for you.
If you need anything…I’ll be on the bus!
July 28th, 2006 18:29
I want to hear more about the ant problem
July 29th, 2006 11:45
Stacie,
#1, Love is the only thing those babies need more than air. And they have it, you have already given them so much.
#2, If you hate breastfeeding, screw it! Yes, breast milk is healthier, it’s good for you, blah, blah, blah. Is it more important than a rested, happy mother? No way. Motherhood is hard, I can’t imagine it with twins and a c-section. You are my hero and NO ONE has the right to tell you that you are failing those two beautiful babies if they get formula. As Pam said, you’ve already done better than most. Have you considered pumping all the milk and giving them bottles of breast milk? The pump doesn’t know how to not latch on.
#3, If you decide you want to keep nursing, I promise you it will get easier. Having professional help will take a huge load off your shoulders. A little rest, some food (whether you feel hungry or not) and you will be a whole new woman.
#4, Remember, it’s 3 hours earlier out here, so if you need an ear at midnight, it’s only 9 here and I’m still up!
Kelly Jo
July 30th, 2006 13:23
Stacie,
We saw some more pictures of the babies yesterday and they are so very precious. I especially enjoyed seeing the photo of them in their bassett together- very special.
Stacie raising children will be both the most challenging and rewarding venture in your lives. Don’t be so hard on yourself everything will fall into place. When Brad and Brian were born there was a big push to nurse your children and I opted out of doing that and had and still have no regrets. You have to do what works best for you. The children will fair just fine either way. Love and kisses to all. Cathie
July 30th, 2006 23:26
Dear Stacie, Sorry to hear you have been troubled with nursing woes. Mom did not nurse Judy and I and we thrived. 50% of breast milk is 100% more than I we got. To repeat what others have said, “don’t be so hard on yourself”. Becoming a new mom is such a challenge and transformation. The acceptance of that does not happen overnight. We are all thinking and praying for you, Brian and those lovely babes. Best Wishes.
August 10th, 2006 16:50
Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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August 16th, 2006 01:57
I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
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January 3rd, 2007 10:13
I could have written this entry too after my twins were born (though maybe around 6 weeks since the kids were in the NICU in the beginning). It. Is. So. Hard.
January 5th, 2007 12:26
**And we have an ant problem**
It was the straw that broke the camels back! I wish I had read it when it was first posted, but thankful to be reading it now.
January 6th, 2007 01:27
The haze that is those first few weeks is debilitating - I can’t even imagine it times two. And couldn’t G*d have held off on the ant-thing for a few weeks - sheesh!