The Twinkies

OK, I am really, really tired of this false labor nonsense. A contraction here, a contraction there, no big deal, but these nights of several hours of contractions are starting to annoy me. Thanks to handy, online tools I can even track the buggers. Voila:

In other fun news, I had a weird moment of seeing bright sparkles all over my field of vision for about 30 - 45 seconds tonight. Because that can be a symptom of high blood pressure I called the midwife-on-call and she talked me down. Because I didn’t have a headache and because my blood pressure has always been great she wasn’t worried about toxemia, but told me that that swelling, like the kind I have everywhere, can put pressure on the optical nerves.

So…now my eyes are swollen. Great.

Another doctor’s appointment, and no news. I am healthy, the babies are healthy, my uterus is a force of nature that shows no inclination to go into labor.

I know it’s shallow, but I really want my body back. I mean, I am 217 pounds! My feet look like someone hooked up an air pump and overinflated them. I can barely walk on these puppies. My hands are swollen and arthritic. I’ve got brown patches on my neck and skin tags from the hormones. I can’t go anywhere on my own because I can’t fit behind the wheel of a car without great difficulty. Oh yes, and I have to pee ALL the time. As in every 5 minutes. Someone has moved and is resting on (or should I say “rolling around on”) my bladder. Ugg.

So, to sum up: Still here. Still pregnant.

Still here. Still pregnant.

My doctors will induce if I want them too, but, of course, induction isn’t quite as simple as flipping a light switch on. Induced labors hurt more, cause more stress to the babies, cause more stress to the mother, and increase your risk of surgical birth. Human bodies are stubborn things, and if I ain’t ready to go then I ain’t ready to go and all the pitocin drips in the world aren’t going to change that.

So…as long as I can get some sleep, I can keep going on. And on. And on. And….

Still here. Still pregnant. And, after 11 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep last night, I feel SO much better.

My cervix is stupid.

When all the other cervixes got to go out to recess, it had to stay inside and practice its numbers. And, as far as I can tell, it still never got past “1″. This is a piece of anatomy that is not getting the message.

Last night was 5 more hours of false labor. The contractions were so strong I could not talk through them and, at their peak, were happening about 4 minutes apart and lasting about a minute. Then, about 4:20 AM, they started to slow down and by 5:30 I was back in bed. At my bi-weekly appointment this morning the midwife did an internal exam and discovered that after all this false labor I remain one centimeter dilated. One. Remember, 10 is the goal. She was planning to bring me up at the afternoon “high risk” meeting and “plead my case.”

In other news, I am healthy, the babies are healthy, everyone is healthy. I can barely function I am so tired after night after night of labor pains, but, hey, who’s counting? I can’t get past “1″ anyway.