The Twinkies

I did mention that I like the Moby Wrap, right?

I am, apparently, in need of a larger penis. I have come to this conclusion based on the number of emails I get suggesting assorted remedies for my small penis. I actually read one of them and found myself bizarrely fascinated.

Don’t tell me why your schlong* is so small,
I will better help you to make it really Bigger!

I like how this starts with a negative imperative, and implies that the owner of said schlong knows why it is undersized. Of course, the reason doesn’t matter, because this helpful spammer will not just help but better help me make it really Bigger. I love that random capitalization and the poetic use of the comparative.

But the kicker, what really made this whole email bizarre yet worth reading, was the paragraph cut and paste from a Russian novel at the end of the email. The grammar in the novel was far better than the rest of the offer. If I keep reading the spam, do you think I will eventually get the entire novel?

* I have since started to keep track of the number of synonyms these otherwise almost identical emails employ: meat, Johnson, woody, thing, ramrod, sausage, weenie, one-eyed monster, member, and prick. Given that the spam’s target audience is men with small, well, schlongs, perhaps “one-eyed monster” is a trifle optimistic.

One of the things I hate about mothering is that it seems to become a contest. Whose baby sleeps through the night first? Who has made the most sacrifices? Who is doing the best job?

In “natural” or “attached” parenting this attitude seems particularly blatant. Maybe I only feel that way because I don’t spend a lot of time with women who have other parenting styles, however, in AP land, judgments about parental fitness can fly fast. Thus, as a public service, I am letting everyone know that I am the most natural mother out there, so the rest of you can just stop arguing about who is worthy; none of you are compared to me. To wit:

1. We conceived though a natural act of joyous, hot love on our 100% organic sheets.(1)
2. I gave birth vaginally in the woods on a bed of moss attended only by woodland creatures who chanted affirmative birthing mantras. (2)
3. I ate the placentas. (3)
4. I exclusively breastfeed.(4)
5. We cloth diaper, using homemade diapers woven from the wool of our flock of organic sheep. (5)
6. We co-sleep, meaning the babies sleep in bed with us.(6)
7. I have the babies in a sling all day long. In fact, we don’t even own one of those cruel devices, the stroller. (7)
8. Because I always have the babies on me and respond to their needs instantly, they never, ever cry. (8)
9. We don’t vaccinate.(9)
10. We would never, ever do anything as barbaric as circumcision. In fact, we dress J. in t-shirts that read “Intact and Beautiful.”(10)
11. We use elimination communication.(11)
12. I make my own baby food from my organic garden.(12)

If I’ve missed any area of natural parenting let me know and I’ll tell you how I am better than you in that regard as well.

ETA: circumcision, EC, baby food.

Notes:

1. I have no comment on this.
2. Sectioned in the hospital, actually.
3. Ew.
4. We still supplement about 4 ounces of formula per day. I think I should get 1 1/2 points anyway, however, because of the twin thing.
5. Well, we do cloth diaper and I vastly prefer them. Every time I have to use disposables someone has an unpleasant blow out. However, we use a service. Can I still get a half point for the cloth diapering?
6. Nope. The babies sleep in their own cribs in another room. Between B’s sleepwalking and my waking at every little snuffle even the bassinet in the bedroom was a bad idea.
7. I love my stroller. I do baby-wear, but I can only do it for about 2 hours before my back gives out. Usually if a baby wants to be held I just sit with him or her on my lap.
8. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
9. We do.
10. We had planned on circumcision. I left the decision up to B. figuring that since he HAD a penis he probably had stronger views on this than I did and he voted to snip. However, J. came out with what the hospital pediatrician called a “partial natural circ.” and she told us that she didn’t have the expertise to circumcise him; if we wanted it done we would have to take him to a urologist which was way too much trouble. So…do I get a point for “natural through laziness”?
11. To quote a commenter, EC is “Right Out” with twins. Sorry.
12. The brief foray into solids we have taken thus far was indeed homemade baby food. I baked that sweet potato myself. I may also be able to lay claim to organics, as the potato was from Whole Foods, but I don’t remember for sure. My garden produces flowers, herbs and tomatos only, though, and nothing at all in December.

“You see,” writes Catherine of Siena, speaking in the person of the eternal Father, “this sweet and loving Word born in a stable, while Mary was journeying; to show to you, who are travellers, that you must ever be born again in the stable of knowledge of yourselves, where you will find Him born by grace within your souls.”

Merry Christmas, everyone.

5 hours in a row. Oh, I feel like a new woman.

I was starting to feel like a graduate student sleep deprivation study “participant”. But last night B. came home with sushi — oh delectable, uncooked, protein-laden food of the gods - then sent me to bed. He put away the dishes, rehung the shower curtain, folded the baby laundry and put the babies to bed, waking me only to hand me F. to nurse.

I got up at 1:30 totally engorged and did a dream feed. They didn’t even open their eyes.

They squawked for food at 5:30, and went to work with enthusiasm.

Now it is almost 9 and they are still almost asleep, sucking on their thumbs. I’ve had breakfast. I am dressed. I am about to go play with well-rested babies. Does life get better than this?