Well, it’s Official
I’m not going back. I went to St. Paul’s yesterday to say hi, show off the babies, and let them know I don’t plan on coming back next year.
I love teaching; I miss it. I miss the kids, I miss watching them grow from skorted 6th graders to high schoolers with too much eye liner and what is up with that glitter eye shadow anyway? Wear that now, because it will be impossible to pull that off once you are over 20. I hauled the C. twins, some of my favorites, out of class to say hi, and discovered they are both taller than I am. That’s happened since last year. I ran into M.S. in the hall; she was reading 10th grade material when I had her in 8th grade, and probably could have handled much harder stuff. Smart, smart girl. The F. girls tracked me down, as did some of my Latin students. I passed the babies into assorted arms and watched girls look alternately panicked, nervous or totally comfortable holding them. The older F. girl took some photos and should email them to me.
There is this idea in our culture that women shouldn’t admit that motherhood is hard. If you admit ambivalence about motherhood people react as though you announced you think live rats make an appealing Christmas appetizer. The confession that motherhood isn’t an unalloyed joy remains taboo. I love the babies; I love them so much I cannot write about it with any skill as every description falls short; I not only fail to make the stars weep, I can’t even set Flaubert’s bear to dancing. Hell, that bear isn’t even tapping his toe.
I love the babies, but I sometimes miss my life pre-baby. Just running into Starbucks to get a cup of coffee involves getting the stroller out of the trunk, putting one baby in it, going to the other side of the car, getting the other baby, putting him or her in, navigating the door, getting through to the counter, past all the displays, ordering the coffee. Yes, they’re twins. Yes, they’re cute. Please don’t touch them. Do twins run in my family? Why do you ask? A boy and a girl. J. and F. No, they aren’t identical. Get the coffee, turn the stroller around, get past the displays again, get through the door. Put one baby back in the car. Go to the other side of the car. Put the other baby back in the car. Pop the trunk. Collapse the stroller. Put it back in the trunk. No amount of love keeps that from being a time consuming ordeal. Multiply that by my entire day.
Teaching is out of the question right now, for so many reasons. But I miss it. I miss explaining the subjunctive and reading essays that improve ever so slowly over the course of a year. I miss pushing kids and hearing them complain about it. I miss those golden moments of hearing: “You’re cool, but you’re tough.” The pleasures of motherhood are very real; smiles, coos, hugs. However, the pleasures of teaching are real too. I’m not going back until the kids are in school. I chose home. Nevertheless, I still miss a life that had more intellect and less diarrhea.
Oh, didn’t I mention the diarrhea?
Stumble it!
and the 529 college savings accounts get a kickback.
December 18th, 2006 06:23
Well said, Stacie. I feel your pain. Motherhood is hard. Twice as hard with twins because of the juggling act involved. It is difficult to do roughly the same things every single day. Remember the movie Groundhog Day? That’s what it feels like sometimes.
Of course we love those kids more than anything, but it isn’t wrong to miss the simplicity and freedom of life pre-pregnancy. You are a person with needs too.
December 18th, 2006 15:16
I think you should go back to work and get that balance you so desperately desire. It’s not the end of the world to put the kids in daycare; they will love to have friends to play with. Not to mention, being a teacher is the ultimate “mom job” b/c you, unlike so many other moms get the summers off to be with your kids.
December 18th, 2006 16:44
That’s funny because none of the teachers I know get a “whole summer off.” Apparently the previous poster has either A. never been a teacher. B. not up to date on a lot of employment issues or C. never been to school.
Dare I ask which one?
December 18th, 2006 16:58
Summers off.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[wipes tears out of eyes]
And don’t get me started on paying for daycare on a teacher’s salary. That one makes me laugh until I puke.
December 19th, 2006 16:06
Thank you for your suggestion, but until the kids are old enough to enter pre-school, probably in the fall of 2008, I am committed to being home. There are myriad reasons, some financial, some not, for this decision. However, we have thought it through with care and feel that it is the best choice for our family.