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I Am More Natural Than You

One of the things I hate about mothering is that it seems to become a contest. Whose baby sleeps through the night first? Who has made the most sacrifices? Who is doing the best job?

In “natural” or “attached” parenting this attitude seems particularly blatant. Maybe I only feel that way because I don’t spend a lot of time with women who have other parenting styles, however, in AP land, judgments about parental fitness can fly fast. Thus, as a public service, I am letting everyone know that I am the most natural mother out there, so the rest of you can just stop arguing about who is worthy; none of you are compared to me. To wit:

  1. We conceived though a natural act of joyous, hot love on our 100% organic sheets.(1)
  2. I gave birth vaginally in the woods on a bed of moss attended only by woodland creatures who chanted affirmative birthing mantras. (2)
  3. I ate the placentas. (3)
  4. I exclusively breastfeed.(4)
  5. We cloth diaper, using homemade diapers woven from the wool of our flock of organic sheep. (5)
  6. We co-sleep, meaning the babies sleep in bed with us.(6)
  7. I have the babies in a sling all day long. In fact, we don’t even own one of those cruel devices, the stroller. (7)
  8. Because I always have the babies on me and respond to their needs instantly, they never, ever cry. (8)
  9. We don’t vaccinate.(9)
  10. We would never, ever do anything as barbaric as circumcision. In fact, we dress J. in t-shirts that read “Intact and Beautiful.”(10)
  11. We use elimination communication.(11)
  12. I make my own baby food from my organic garden.(12)

If I’ve missed any area of natural parenting let me know and I’ll tell you how I am better than you in that regard as well.

ETA: circumcision, EC, baby food.

Notes:

  1. I have no comment on this.
  2. Sectioned in the hospital, actually.
  3. Ew.
  4. We still supplement about 4 ounces of formula per day. I think I should get 1 1/2 points anyway, however, because of the twin thing.
  5. Well, we do cloth diaper and I vastly prefer them. Every time I have to use disposables someone has an unpleasant blow out. However, we use a service. Can I still get a half point for the cloth diapering?
  6. Nope. The babies sleep in their own cribs in another room. Between B’s sleepwalking and my waking at every little snuffle even the bassinet in the bedroom was a bad idea.
  7. I love my stroller. I do baby-wear, but I can only do it for about 2 hours before my back gives out. Usually if a baby wants to be held I just sit with him or her on my lap.
  8. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
  9. We do.
  10. We had planned on circumcision. I left the decision up to B. figuring that since he HAD a penis he probably had stronger views on this than I did and he voted to snip. However, J. came out with what the hospital pediatrician called a “partial natural circ.” and she told us that she didn’t have the expertise to circumcise him; if we wanted it done we would have to take him to a urologist which was way too much trouble. So…do I get a point for “natural through laziness”?
  11. To quote a commenter, EC is “Right Out” with twins. Sorry.
  12. The brief foray into solids we have taken thus far was indeed homemade baby food. I baked that sweet potato myself. I may also be able to lay claim to organics, as the potato was from Whole Foods, but I don’t remember for sure. My garden produces flowers, herbs and tomatos only, though, and nothing at all in December.


This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 26th, 2006 at 5:08 am and is filed under From The Trenches. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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