The Twinkies

I am, apparently, in need of a larger penis. I have come to this conclusion based on the number of emails I get suggesting assorted remedies for my small penis. I actually read one of them and found myself bizarrely fascinated.

Don’t tell me why your schlong* is so small,
I will better help you to make it really Bigger!

I like how this starts with a negative imperative, and implies that the owner of said schlong knows why it is undersized. Of course, the reason doesn’t matter, because this helpful spammer will not just help but better help me make it really Bigger. I love that random capitalization and the poetic use of the comparative.

But the kicker, what really made this whole email bizarre yet worth reading, was the paragraph cut and paste from a Russian novel at the end of the email. The grammar in the novel was far better than the rest of the offer. If I keep reading the spam, do you think I will eventually get the entire novel?

* I have since started to keep track of the number of synonyms these otherwise almost identical emails employ: meat, Johnson, woody, thing, ramrod, sausage, weenie, one-eyed monster, member, and prick. Given that the spam’s target audience is men with small, well, schlongs, perhaps “one-eyed monster” is a trifle optimistic.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 28th, 2006 at 8:17 am and is filed under Grumpy Teacher. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.