Post Partum Depression
As much as I am an all-natural, paraben-free-soap-using, organic-apple-eating kind of girl, I’m also a fan of better living through chemistry. Thus, I am now on Zoloft. Do I contradict myself? So I contradict myself. I am vast. I contain multitudes.
Mothers of multiples are more at risk for post-partum depression, as are women with a previous history of depression. Since I get the gold star in both of those boxes, I was actually kind of amazed I didn’t seem to be falling into the pit of despair. The combination of teething, a growth spurt and possible menses, however, finally did me in.
Thursday I wrote: I feel like I’m drowning. Teething is brutal. I haven’t slept for more than 3 hours at a time in several weeks, just when I was getting used to the “luxury” of 4 hour chunks on a regular basis. Nap time is a battle every day. I haven’t been able to refill my pre-natals in over a month, so I am nursing twins without a vitamin. I feel constantly numb, hungry and dehydrated and on the verge of tears. I’ve been sobbing every day this week, what with the exhaustion and the screaming. I used to be a professional adult, and now I am just this exhausted milk machine covered in spit up.
Reading it, I realized that if someone had sent that to ME I would tell them to get their ass to a doctor and talk about their depression. So I called my midwife and made an appointment. I saw her Friday and am on Zoloft. I am also looking into day care for at least one morning a week (so far with no luck) and am preparing the applications to start the kids at Montessori next January when they are 18 months. I plan to get a “Yoga with Baby” DVD I can do at home to try and get more exercise, and have refilled the pre-natals.
I can’t do much about the sleep deprivation – I mean, I’d have to change my tag line from Adventures in Sleep Deprivation to something else and that would be bad for the branding – but I can tackle the lack of exercise, the nutrition issues and the cooped up issues. Clearly, I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home-mom. I have a lot of guilt about that. I feel like I SHOULD like being around babies all day. Every day. I should get up cheerful, do laundry with a smile, and dance the babies around the room. Singing. A good mother, in my head, would never get tired, depressed, resentful or miss her professional, adult identity. Since I am and do I must, perforce, be a bad mother. I do realize that isn’t rational.
—–
(Bonus points to anyone who can identify the transcendentalist to whom I alluded above.)
Stumble it!
and the 529 college savings accounts get a kickback.
January 28th, 2007 16:14
i feel like you were saying all the things in my head.. i am drowning.. i’m glad you wrote.. thanks… my doctor suggested i quit breastfeeding as a way to get my body to heal and for my emotions to balance out.. we too are dealing with teething, colds and thrush (which is still there after two weeks of treatment.) ugg.. anyways thanks for enouraging me it helps to have other multiple mom blogs to read…
January 28th, 2007 16:30
Twins are SO absurdly hard. I’m glad you are seeing a doctor for the PPD. One thing the midwife said to me really resonated; she said, “If someone else was caring for your babies, wouldn’t you want her to be a whole, happy, fulfilled person?” I said yes (of course), at which point she looked at me and said, “That person is you.”
Thursh is hell. Mine went away right away after two doses of an oral anti-fungal; I don’t know what I would have done if I had to deal with that kind of pain for 2 weeks.
January 28th, 2007 19:18
Whitman, of course.
But I’m a nerdy English lit type.
I know enough about myself to know that I am probably not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Do I feel guilty about it? God, yes. And is it hard to be a working mom? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Sometimes I think that the answer would be quitting work and staying home with them. Then, I think and talk to my SAHM friends and realize that it would be very, very difficult, too.
January 28th, 2007 20:06
Check out “Mommy Wars” (essays compiled by Leslie Morgan Steiner) from the library. It has some good (short!) essays in there about the choices mothers make with regard to career and motherhood.
It will get so much better. I promise! I am the mother of 17-month-old twin boys. I nursed them until they were 14 months. It was incredibly difficult, but now I feel so good about having done it. Hang in there.
Walt Whitman!
January 28th, 2007 21:15
I can so relate. I thought I’d escaped PPD, and then, at about 3 months, things got really hard. The constant help was gone, they still weren’t napping at the same time, and I was just spent. I probably could have used AD’s, but I did get some therapy, which helped. Then, I went back to work when they were 5.5 months old, and it got much easier. Sure, I still complain, but things are still MUCH easier than they were when the boys were tiny and I was home full-time. Good for you for seeking help. Try and let go of the guilt and remember that women have always worked and shared care of chldren with others in the community. The June Cleaver model is a fantasy – a historical anomaly that didn’t work very well for the short time it existed. Sure some women are happy being SAHM’s, especially women who have respite and regular support, and who have their kids one at a time. But the ones who aren’t are perfectly sane for feeling that way, and are good mothers too. I hope it gets easier for you soon.
January 28th, 2007 23:25
I hear you. I’m glad you got yourself to the midwife as quickly as you did. I’ve been on PPD watch the past few weeks – the sobbing fit finally clued in my hubs, who has started reminding me to take my Flax Oil every day. It’s a small step, but it’s something.
The sleep deprivation, though, is killer.
January 28th, 2007 23:45
Reading your post brought back a lot. I did not have twins, but I do have a 3 year old and a 10 month old.
I breast-fed them both and also experienced some depression with both during the early weeks. Time went on, then right around the 5-6 month mark I went crazy both times. Something (I believe hormonally) happened to me. I too felt the numb, tired, drowning sensation just as powerful if not more so than the early days. Both times, I felt a strong urge to just stop breastfeeding (sort of to reclaim myself maybe?). I felt tremendous guilt at first but I have to say it saved me. Once weaned-my emotions went right back into check both times.
I am not advocating this-(meds may have helped me too)- I just noticed this extreme coincidence in myself and felt the feelings mirrored in your post.
January 29th, 2007 18:40
Not much to add (I just have the one, so I know when to keep my mouth shut), except GOOD FOR YOU on the self-realization and the Zoloft. I come from a family that insists if you need a medication, it’s a sign of a weak character. Nope, I tell them – to admit you need help is actually a sign of a very STRONG character! Good luck on finding some “you time”, too…
And GO on the Montessori! My daughter went to an excellent Montessori preschool for 3 years and it’s paid off in ways you can’t imagine, academically, socially, and behaviorally. My husband squawked at the cost at first, and now says it was one of the best investments we ever made.
January 29th, 2007 22:37
I cannot speak from experience with multiples – my three children are each separated by almost five years – but I do have this to say about feeling guilty for not loving being at home all the time: the grass is often greener. I have run the entire spectrum of mommy roles. I took my firstborn to work with me, wore him in a snuggli while managing a doctor’s office. Then, I did the single working mom thing, with him in day care 50+ hours per week. I have been a full time stay at home mom, a part time stay at home mom and currently a work from home student mom. When I was working, I felt horrible that I wasn’t with my kids, and was enjoying having the challenge of a job and all that goes with it. When I am home full time, I feel guilty that my husband bears the burden of financially supporting a family of five on his shoulders. And insanely jealous that he does not have to wipe anyone’s nose but his own, all day long. A “good” mother is one who feels stable, fulfilled and ready to enjoy her kids – regardless of whether she works outside the home or spends all day with them. Only a good mother would see that she needs help and be strong enough to accept it.
January 30th, 2007 11:04
My husband says that quote often.
You know what–I think you’re a fantastic mother. A fantastic mother takes care of herself and that’s exactly what you’re doing.
One thing I will say about the twins–keep going with the montessori plan so you have it in place–but life does change once they can talk, walk, communicate. We can play real games and talk about real things now. And it has made a huge difference. Naps evened out around 20 months or so. They started taking one big monster nap in the afternoon and it became more predictable and less of a battle.
Recently, they were waking up a few times in the middle of the night and crying for us (but then laughing when we came in the room). We had a family meeting it stopped instantly. You can do that when they’re 2 1/2. It really is much easier. You’re in the hardest part right now. Be kind to yourself.
January 30th, 2007 15:18
I agree with Kelly Jo’s comment about the mommy guilt. And i am glad you are on Zoloft…i hope it will help!
Oops, apparently naptime is over…
February 4th, 2007 17:07
I’m a crunchy granola eater, and I now know that Zoloft is a part of my life. I went on and off a couple of times, and it just works better when I’m on it. Sigh. Good luck with those babes.