Friday Twinny Question - Appropriate Public Responses
Not on Fire, responding to Multiples are NOT a Freakshow, asked:
I had two singletons, so I know that people want to acknowledge new babies. I read this and I want to know is there a correct response? Should we ignore new babies, single or otherwise? I mean, what could one say that would be appropriate?
For me, I know that I hate being asked about fertility treatments. Until such time as I can ask someone what position she was in when she conceived her children, I don’t see why it is OK to ask me how I conceived mine. I’m also not a big fan of “double trouble.” I mean, who wants a total stranger to announce that she considers one’s children “trouble”? Touchers bother me; I don’t know where their hands have been and it generally isn’t acceptable in our society to touch people. Finally, blocking the stroller and preventing me from doing whatever it is I am trying to do because someone “just has to see those babies” just infuriates me. I have a small window when I’m out before meltdown happens and it will be me, not the stranger in the mall who crossed over from the other side of the center court at high speed at the mere sight of a double stroller, coping with hysterical babies.
On the good side, no acclamation of cuteness ever goes unappreciated, even though I am sometimes flummoxed why someone thinks a baby in the midst of a meltdown is cute.
The mileage of other multiple mothers may vary. Feel free to weigh in (please) on what you think is an appropriate public response to multiples, or babies in general.
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April 13th, 2007 04:24
I personally am usually appalled by the questions people think it’s appropriate to ask a parent just because they have twins. “Did you plan them?” “Did you use fertility treatments?” I don’t even KNOW how to answer those in a tactful way, I get so flustered! One woman at a restaurant even asked me what times they were born and when I told her they were born a minute apart, she said “WOW! That must have hurt!” (Yeah, guess so, I had a c-section, dummy!) Don’t get me started about the people who ask if my b/g twins are identical (when they’re dressed in a very gender-specific manner) and, when I say no, hem and haw as if I’m lying to them. Check the diapers, bucko.
I really wish that people would just treat them like babies and me like a parent- not some freak show or a display of some sort just because I’m pushing around a double stroller. A smile or a NORMAL, non-prying, not-too-personal question or gushing over their cuteness is totally acceptable.
And touchers, oh my gosh. If a stranger ever tried to touch one of my kids whether it was one of the twinnies or not, it would be hammer time. Thankfully I am abrasive enough IRL that most people wouldn’t dare
I have read your blog a few times when I was pregnant with my twins and just re-found it now… good stuff!
April 13th, 2007 04:26
Oh, and I added you to my blogroll. Hope you don’t mind- I need more MoMs on there!
April 13th, 2007 06:00
Even with my B.A. in Journalism, I still had pull out the good ole dictionary for ‘flummoxed’. I love new words.
Anyway, great post as usual. I agree that the fertility question is completely out-of-bounds. I get annoyed by questions like…are they twins? are they boys (even when Kate has a pink blanket over her)? I feel very uncomfortable with the stares, but I am still very new to this. I find myself constantly on the lookout for touchers because boundaries no longer seem to exist anymore.
My twins are “natural” (what a horrible phrase), and folks look at me as if I am a big liar when I tell them they are not a result of infertility treatments and they don’t run in the family.
I mostly just appreciate the basic comments like how cute, pretty babies, etc. All mothers appreciate that. Stick to that and avoid all of the personal, none-of-your-damn-business questions.
April 13th, 2007 08:35
I generally agree with you Stacie. Personal, probing questions, inappropriate. Touching my children (on the face!) or trying to hold them if you’re a stranger, inappropriate. Impeding our progress when we’re clearly in a hurry or melting down, inappropriate. Stupid questions (are they twins? are they identical?) just embarrassing for the asker. Questions about breastfeeding I usually answer, but still, weird to ask a stranger.
I don’t think I mind the “you have your hands full” questions as much. Usually it is from someone who has a young child, and I think they are imagining what it must be like to have 2 and feeling sympathetic. Of course, when a NICU nurse, on day 7 for us, told us “you don’t know what you’re in for” that seemed inappropriate (later learned she had twins, not too happily).
I do appreciate the cute comments. Call me vain, but no one is gonna be calling me cute these days, so I’ve gotta live vicariously. Where did you get that outfit? or anything else you’d ask a singleton parent about age etc. seems fine.
I also really like that many people tell us they were a twin, or they have twins who are now 30, or their siblings are twins, etc. Then I know that they have a particular reason for their interest, they’re not just gawkers.
April 13th, 2007 10:06
I’ve had two singletons and one set of twins, and I agree with Not On Fire: people want to acknowledge new babies. I think it’s nice. Where I draw the line is at the point where it’s hard to break away–like, we’re standing there and the admirer has run out of questions but she asked too many and so now it’s awkward to just walk off.
I like comments about how cute they are. I don’t like “double trouble.” I don’t like “A boy and a girl, so now you’re done!” I don’t like “You’ve got your hands full!”–not because it’s rude or anything, but only because I can’t think of a reply and have to stand there grinning like an idiot instead of saying something nice. Questions about age are good. When they were little, questions about birth weight were fine. It’s weird when people ask me if I breastfed them (I’m surprised how often they DO ask this), but I don’t personally mind answering. I don’t mind “Are there twins in your family?,” but I’m not crazy about fertility drug inquiries. I like “Was it a big surprise?” or “Did you find out before they were born?”–things like that have good answers, and I can make them longer or shorter depending on what kind of hurry I’m in. “Who’s older?” is fine. “Both boys?” is not–I don’t think anyone should guess the sex of babies, singleton or multiple.
I agree with Eva: anyone who HAS twins or IS a twin or has twin siblings has an extra “in” with me. I tolerate way WAY more questions from someone who is already part of the twin world, as it were.
April 13th, 2007 10:13
I don’t mind the fertility treatment question, but I don’t get it that often.
I hate anyone who tries to touch them, or who stops me from doing what I’m doing. It already takes me 4 times as long as it used to to go to the store, and with the 15 people that want to chat, it takes me even longer.
The one question I hate it “did you know you were having twins?” How many times do you hear of someone NOT knowing these days? But nearly every single person asks me that. I also don’t like when people whisper to each other, “Oh look at that.” or something similar without directly looking at me or saying anything. Makes me feel like a freak show.
Most of the other comments don’t really bother me, but I can only hear are they twins? both boys? you must have your hands full so many times before it gets annoying.
What I like is when someone smiles at them or me, says very cute, and moves on. I’ll smile back, say thank you, and move on too.
April 13th, 2007 11:03
I just have a singleton, and I will say that when strangers touch her, it bothers me immensely. I could not imagine being asked constantly about fertility treatments, so my heart goes out to Moms of multiples. It is appropriate to comment on how cute the child(ren) is or how adorable their outfit may be. I even have people ask me how old she is, which is fine by me. I do find the comparison questions appalling (i.e. ‘isn’t she talking yet?’ etc.), especially when the tone of the question is condescending. That usually raises my blood pressure and I want to forcefully explain that all children develop at different rates… UGH, I guess peoples general ignorance and lack of respect for your space, your child’s space, and privacy irritate the heck out of me. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
April 13th, 2007 13:06
I think that its okay to acknowledge twins, but none of the silly comments! And NO touching allowed!! Would you do that to a singleton? NO!
One of the first times I took the twins out by myself, I had one twin in the carseat on top of the cart and one in the bottom. I was rolling into the pharmacy when somebody said (in a very rude tone) ‘OH double trouble’ Okay, they are babies, so they really aren’t double trouble yet, but it just set me off. I could barely smile at the lady, I wanted to yell at her! Terrible, I know, but it was the first time that I was treated like a freak show. It got easier as soon as they were out of their carseats.
Oh, and most people who have twins are so thankful to finally have kids, so why do people always say ‘my, you must have your handsful’. I love the fact that one lady actually told me I was very blessed! This reminded me just how much we all are by our twins and other children, no matter how hard the days may get. It really was the first postive thing anybody has ever said to me. And my twins were a little over 2 when this was said.
Just keep the comments postive and don’t be nosey! Whose business is it anyways if you breastfed them, or how you got pregnant with them???
April 13th, 2007 14:02
I think the basic rules are 1) no touching - EVER, 2) do not get too close to the babies, 3) only ask people questions you would want to answer yourself, 4) no stupid comments or questions, 5) no negative comments or questions, and 6) no blocking the stroller or prolonged conversations that keep me from accomplishing the things I need to get done during a very limited window.
I think it is very sweet that my children get so much attention, and I appreciate all of the comments that they are cute babies or that I am lucky to have such a beautiful family or that I have been blessed. People love to see cute babies, and I was guilty of this too before I had my own. I don’t mind questions about their names, age, who was born first, and, since I have two girls, I don’t mind the “are they identical” question (although, when I say they are fraternal, I would appreciate it if the person wouldn’t argue with me - this happens all the time!). To me, the worst offenses are touching and getting too close to my children. It is just inappropriate, spreads unwanted germs to my babies, and it makes my babies cry when strangers get too close to them or try to touch them.
April 13th, 2007 15:18
I think it’s really thoughtful to compliment the mom in some way, just to acknowledge that she exists, especially if you are some friendly stranger who wants to go out of your way to talk to a mom who’s out with her kids. I often felt like my babies (one at a time babies) received a ton of attention, but what was I, chopped liver???
Once or twice, someone would say something nice to me, about me, like… you must be doing a wonderful job, this baby looks so happy… that made my day!!!
But yeah, boundaries must be respected above all, and a little sensitivity to whether this mom you want to approach looks like someone who is in the mood for random stranger attention.
April 13th, 2007 17:44
Please don’t ask me if I’m “finished” reproducing. I’m so tired of this one. Or even more offensive, those who assume I’m finished, with the sound of great relief in their voices, because I have b/g twins. Does the burden of overpopulation rest solely and firmly on the shoulders of mothers of twins? And do mothers of boy-girl singletons get this same question? Why must everyone comment on your family planning just because you got the gender bases covered with one extremely efficient pregnancy?
April 13th, 2007 20:15
The touching! Oh, God help me, the touching!
NO TOUCHING! No touching the bellies of pregnant women! No touching babies that are strangers to you! Would you walk up to a random person on the street and start rubbing their tummy or sticking your fingers in their mouths?
And as I’ve said before, I have only one child by choice, so I get the “tsk, tsk, poor thing, problems conceiving?” type stuff. So I feel for you moms of multiples who get the ridiculously invasive “so, tell me ALL about how your fancy parts aren’t working” questions.
But my favorite - having nothing to do with multiples - is when someone asks a person with both biological and adopted children…”so, which ones are your real children?” Uh, those over there…the others are teeny but remarkably lifelike mannequins.
April 13th, 2007 20:17
…mouth…{singular}
Inadvertent error, apologies!
April 14th, 2007 00:15
I agree with no touching, babies catch everything anyway, why make it worse? Though I don’t mind the people at the mall who want to wiggle their feet to make them smile. Just stay away from the hands and the face. My best comment ever was in the grocery store from a very, very tired looking lady. We had the babies in the stroller and the toddler in the cart and she came up and asked if they were all ours (which, we have discovered, is a very valid question). When we replied yes, she said that she wanted to congratulate us on our babies. She had a six year old and a six week old and she said we looked like we were doing better than she was with our three under two years. I still think of her and wonder how she is doing sometimes.
I always enjoy people commenting on how cute the boys are, but “you have your hands full” really doesn’t have any answer. I just smile and say “yes, I do, but it’s fun!” I don’t think anyone has ever asked us about fertility treatments or if I breastfed. I have had a lot of people say “They can’t be twins, they don’t look anything alike!” Comments on age or size are fine, too. I think that anything you wouldn’t mind answering yourself is generally a good rule. I’m really bad for commenting on babies in the mall, singletons, twins, etc. I’ll always poke my husband as I peer in the stroller and say “Oh, how sweet!” It drives him nuts, but it makes the parents smile, and that’s what counts.
April 14th, 2007 14:58
I don’t mind most anything, as long as it has nothing to do with reproduction and it isn’t negative. “Double trouble” is negative, and a downer to hear over and over. How we conceeived is our business, and frankly, I feel like my kids ought to know the details before some busybody at Target. I don’t really mind stupid questions though. The one about whether my boys ahve the same dad had me rolling for a week - and I love to hear that we are blessed, because we are. Just don’t be my (until August) childless BIL,and tell me that you’ve heard twins are really easier. I wanted to tell him that I’ve heard that being kicked in the nuts doesn’t really hurt much….
April 16th, 2007 00:51
I always enjoyed taking the twins out because so many people made positive comments. It was helpful to balance those first few months with something good because I was overwhelmed. I never did have a toucher though, that would freak me out.
April 16th, 2007 13:47
I must be in the minority, but most of this stuff doesn’t bother me too much. The touching thing was okay with me if it was their feet. Then again I always go out with my girls in a covered stroller if the weather is bad or they weren’t feeling well. I love my Chariot! I have only had a few strangers ask to hold my babies. I actually allowed one lady to hold one of my girls, she was older and seemed that she really needed some baby energy. She cried and we had a nice talk. I still see her at the grocery store sometimes. Lovely lady. Wrote me such a sweet thank you note for allowing her to share my children with her.
My girls are almost 2 now and my son is 3 1/2 so I frequently get the “You must have your hands full” comment. I just smile and laugh and say that I do lol. A few times I have gotten the “I’m sorry” quote. I just say that I am not and walk away. That one always gets me but to be honest I understand the sentiment. If you don’t have them you don’t really understand and it certainly looks daunting, which of course it is lol. I really think it is a comment about themselves and not you, I try not to take it personally.
We get the concieved question quite a bit which is I find amusing generally and like to quip that I can barely plan for dinner let alone anything more complicated than that. Although I didn’t do IV so I am not sensitive about that aspect. I actually am one of those mythical people that didn’t find out about my twins until a month before I had them. That was a heck of a shock. I tell people about that because it is so amusing in retrospect. I also do not know if my twins are identical or not so I just tell people that I don’t know. If they want more information I am glad to go into the technical twinning bits which I find fascinating and most folks find TMI lol. That’s what you get for asking!
I am consider myself to be a breastfeeding advocate, I don’t mind sharing about that aspect at all. I will even share that I tandem nursed my son for 18 months after I had the girls if the conversation is more than just polite chatter. I also like to joke about the National Geographic-esque sight of tandem nursing toddlers. Then again I live in Oregon and this is a very pro-breastfeeding area.
I generally don’t mind most of this stuff, but if I do, I just feel free to excuse myself and go about my way. We walk most every day and I am a stay at home Mom so I have time if the kiddos are doing well. Sometimes these conversations with strangers are the adult interaction I get in a day. Most of the conversation is nice and admiring. Nice ego boost if you are feeling low about your parenting skills. I always like the exclamations of “I don’t know how you do it!”
Btw, Emmie, I would totally say that to your BIL rofl!! I have to say about the same father comment, I have gotten that one as well. WHAT were they thinking lol?! If I am feeling really katty about the “Are they twins?” comment, I tell them that no they aren’t. One is my husband’s mistress’s child and I am just an extremely kind person.
April 23rd, 2007 18:25
I don’t mind chatting, fawning, etc - people paying attention to my babies generally gave me a boost and also helped entertain them. Meltdowns are less frequent in public for us, and the girls would hold up longer if they got more entertainment from the adoring masses, lol. I didn’t even mind touching *if* the person asked first (and they always did). I’d even let strangers hold them as long as they weren’t going through a clingy stage. Yeah, I know this isn’t commonly done these days, but the girls loved it most of the time.
I do mind questions about fertility treatments, even though they were natural. I’m also a little confused - I was 22 when they were born, do I seem a likely candidate for long-term infertility? I suppose some 22-year-olds have had IVF, but it seems like it would be pretty rare.
Like Amanda, I also mind, “Oh, it must be nice to be done!” I usually respond laughingly with, “Oh, I hope we’re not!” but I’m seething a little underneath. Are my children a tragedy whose reoccurance should be prevented? I think not! And the woman who asked, “Are you going to have any more?” and then seemed shocked and horrified when I said “I hope so!”
“Double trouble” bugs me unless my children are currently running in two different directions or other exhausting behaviors. Either way, I respond with “twice as nice.” I don’t mind “I don’t know how you do it!” - yeah, that’s probably true. You just really don’t know how it is done until you do it yourself.
Comparison / guessing questions bug me. Everyone thought Lenora was a boy because she was five pound heavier even when she was wearing pink and Iliana blue, or thought Lenora was older because of she was bigger and how strong she was (it’s one minute difference, for Heaven’s sake, it doesn’t really change who hits the milestones first). A few thought Iliana must be ill because she was visibly smaller than Lenora. A few people asked me if I was sure they were twins, LOL! That was just too absurd to take seriously.
Breastfeeding questions I enjoy. This area is very friendly to breastfeeding, and I like to think that I may be a good example to someone who thinks breastfeeding would be too difficult or is worried that she wouldn’t have enough milk.
Anyone get weird comments during pregnancy? Not annoying, but funny was how many people heard that they were both girls and said, “So that means that they are identical?” They corrected themselves pretty quickly, but it was funny.
July 27th, 2007 14:28
I LOVE the attention my girls get and I love it more when some spills over to their big brother, And twins are a “freak show”, people love to admire them! One baby is great,but multiple babies are fantastic! Enjoy that people enjoy them. You wouldn’t really want NOBODY to notice them. It’s like a gorgeous woman complaining that EVERYBODY looks at her…please.