The Twinkies

No. Not the small pets. Kids that are not my own on which I can practice photography. If you live near me and you’d be willing to let me practice on your kids, let me know. I’ll give you a CD with high resolution images suitable for printing of any good shots I get and you’ll let me use the images in a portfolio.

Sure, you could just get the latest lead-paint-covered made-in-China about-to-be-recalled toy, but why settle? You can reach for the truly horrible toys this holiday season. You can strive to make the neighbors think, “What the FUCK is wrong with those people?”

With that in mind, I humbly offer some suggestions.

The Hello Kitty Assault Rifle (order here) For when your girly girl wants to express her second amendment rights.

Talking Jesus Doll: For only $24.95 you can completely objectify Jesus Christ within your child’s mind’s-eye into a small plastic figurine capable of a whopping six biblical sentences!

Nasty Little Bear: He farts, pukes, snorts and dry-heaves with 6 different disgusting sounds.

Resident Evil 2 William Birkin and Sherry Playset: This violently interactive toy borders on promoting incest, leaving that as a clear impression on children in testing. Give me more of that!

Pooping Reindeer Candy Dispensers: Santa`s reindeer dispense dainty doo doo biscuits for the munching pleasure of your friends and loved ones. Shipped in a herd of 3 Pooping Reindeer acetate packs and 1 Mega Reindeer Pooper…. enough poop for the entire family!

Atomic Energy Lab It was only sold in 1951 so you’ll have to track it down on e-bay, but how can you resist a toy that comes with a nuclear isotope that has since been linked to Gulf War Syndrome?

Last week we went to the park. Our usual playgroup was there, settled into the back corner doling out the gluten-free snacks. However, there was another group there, a group of shiny-haired, well-dressed moms-about-town. They followed their kids around the playscape. They played with their children. They modeled attentive parenting while I sat on my duff drinking an over-priced sweetened coffee drink. Look, do you think it’s easy to neglect my children like this? This takes training. It takes practice.

Note to the very kind woman who tried to keep F from climbing down the stairs of the castle-thing: I know you were thinking that that poor girl was in danger and had a rotten mother as you cast your eyes around the playground looking for the woman cruel enough to let her toddler play on the playground.

At least that happened BEFORE F ate her snack. Nothing says “my mother doesn’t love me” quite like a face wiped in haste after a toddler has fed herself fistfuls of yogurt then poured a bucket of sand over her head. Sand sticks to yogurt residue, in case you are wondering.

I’ll be offering “How to Neglect Your Child in 5 Easy Steps” this winter through the local adult education system. Sign up now. Spaces are limited.