I’m a Neglectful Mother
Last week we went to the park. Our usual playgroup was there, settled into the back corner doling out the gluten-free snacks. However, there was another group there, a group of shiny-haired, well-dressed moms-about-town. They followed their kids around the playscape. They played with their children. They modeled attentive parenting while I sat on my duff drinking an over-priced sweetened coffee drink. Look, do you think it’s easy to neglect my children like this? This takes training. It takes practice.
Note to the very kind woman who tried to keep F from climbing down the stairs of the castle-thing: I know you were thinking that that poor girl was in danger and had a rotten mother as you cast your eyes around the playground looking for the woman cruel enough to let her toddler play on the playground.
At least that happened BEFORE F ate her snack. Nothing says “my mother doesn’t love me” quite like a face wiped in haste after a toddler has fed herself fistfuls of yogurt then poured a bucket of sand over her head. Sand sticks to yogurt residue, in case you are wondering.
I’ll be offering “How to Neglect Your Child in 5 Easy Steps” this winter through the local adult education system. Sign up now. Spaces are limited.
Stumble it!
and the 529 college savings accounts get a kickback.
October 29th, 2007 11:24
Sign me up!
After all, I’m pretty confident that if F was in immediate danger you would have been there to help her.
October 29th, 2007 12:31
Wait, you actually let your kids play…on a PLAYground? The horror!
I’d sign up for the class, but I think I’ve already got neglect mastered
October 29th, 2007 14:12
ha! I love it! I know what you mean — there are some moms who just won’t give their children an inch of freedom in a playground. I try to lurk and stay awake on the bench, myself…
October 29th, 2007 14:44
I am always amazed when I see those moms whose trendy outfits match and their hair has not only been combed but thoughtfully styled. I always comfort myself by assuming they don’t breastfeed past 6 weeks, because I am that mean.
October 29th, 2007 14:57
People were trying to “catch” my youngest while she climbed up the slide a couple of weeks ago. I just sat back and laughed them off. You’ve got to give them some room, you know? It’s not like they’re going to fall on burning coals or anything. They’ll be fine.
October 29th, 2007 15:20
This is a perfect example of parents who won’t let their kids do ANYTHING. My friend said it best: We’re raising a generation of pussies. Like OMG we can’t trick or treat anymore because every neighbor is lurking with razor blades in the apple.
October 29th, 2007 16:12
Excellent. I won’t be able to make it to the classes so I hope your going to offer an online class as well
I agree with you, you have to give them space to explore and learn. I will probably be the mom sitting on the sidelines drinking my overpriced drink knowing that my kids are actually having fun, Didn’t I get two babies so that they could play together while I sit back and watch?
October 29th, 2007 22:12
WOW.. your doing a wonderful job. it took me just about 12 years as a mother to master the art of neglect
With my1st I was the mother running behind my child at the playground.. now that#1 is almost 12 years old.. You will find me in that back corer of the playground, while #4 my 2 year old is running around with the other kids.
But boy your class would have been useful back in the day
October 29th, 2007 22:17
It’s the twin thing. Since I can’t actually follow both of them around I’ve been forced to accept watching.
October 29th, 2007 23:17
I’m constantly telling both parents and other children at the park to leave my toddler alone and let her climb the play structure by herself. She can walk up the slide the wrong way with the best of them, and no, she does not need you to place her on the top of the slide and hold her hand while she slides down.
And while we’re at it, what the hell is up with people telling my kid not to eat sand or woodchips? Telling her they’re yucky hasn’t worked to deter her, so now I’m leaving it up to her to figure it out. The only reason she’s still doing it is because she’s getting attention for doing it.
October 30th, 2007 00:33
You crack me up and you get major kudos from me for just leaving the house with F & J. My poor little P & L are lucky if we leave the house once a week when daddy isn’t there to help. Oh yeah, and if that little chippy at the park had seen your video of F scaling her high chair she wouldn’t have been concerned about some silly castle steps!
October 30th, 2007 07:56
Bailey – Well, I know that at least two of them use the TV as a babysitter because I overheard that comment. It takes time to get hair that shiny…
Emilin — people often tell me that F has a wood chip in her mouth. Sigh.
Meleah — Oh, can you imagine the horror? The poor woman really had the best intentions and was trying to keep F from getting hurt, but, um, she’ll be OK. It’s a playground. They fall. They get up and climb back up.
October 30th, 2007 10:08
This is my kind of parenting! I always tell people that having twins is like taking a crash course in parenting. We do those kinds of things that sometimes take other parents two or three kids to learn. Like “neglectful” parenting. I mean, how dare you let your children play without your “help”! I bet you even let them run around your house without following them everywhere. God forbid you are not looking at them 24 hours a day.
October 30th, 2007 11:11
I am reminded of one of the best pieces of parenting advice I ever received, from my grandmother. (She raised six kids in the middle of nowhere before sippy cups or cordless phones.) When my oldest was about 2, I was lamenting that I must not be a good mother because playing trucks just bores me to tears. She looked at me with shock and said, “But you’re not supposed to PLAY with him! It is your job to love him, feed him, clothe him, teach him right from wrong. You are not his friend.”
My children know how to entertain themselves. Believe me, after 6 years of running a day care, I know how unusual they are. My favorite line is “I am not the cruise director. If you cannot find anything interesting to do, the chicken coop needs cleaning.” Works every time.
October 30th, 2007 11:39
Reading your entry I feel in myself a kind of split between what people expect and just being natural. A split between wanting the best and want to be realistic. Am I doing the best thing? Could I even try to do the best thing? And what are those other people who look to be doing the best thing? Why do others always think they know what’s best for my children when they’re just there in the moment.
I was once changing my son’s diaper. I was doing baby talk. A man told me I should talk to him in regular words. As if it’s an either/or situation. You can do both. But the kicker was that he said, “I know this because I have a dog, and I talk to him in full sentences.” The man gave me advice based on his interactions with a dog. Having a dog qualified him to give me advice on parenting a human. Yeesh.
Anyway, somehow I got to following your blog, and I appreciate it.
October 30th, 2007 12:35
I’ve often thanked my mother for just tossing me outside on weekends and holidays with a snack and orders not to come back in until she called me. Yes, I have scars on both knees and elbows. There is even some 30 year old gravel still in there. And the memories that go along with them are fantastic! My stepson is one of those who was never allowed outside without Mom watching over him, can’t ride a bike, is afraid of getting hurt/heights/bugs/dirt/possibly air… (he’s 13, btw). Not a scar on him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get a scratch or a bruise. I know I’ve never put a band-aid on him. And those stories about the great computer game he played just don’t seem to have the same sense of childhood adventure. Annoys the crap out of me that if you don’t direct him to do something he just stands there and stares because he can’t figure out to entertain himself.
October 30th, 2007 13:14
(Most) Germs = Good.
I tried for a week to get Gabey to not get off of the couch face first. Finally, I realized it’s only about 18 inches onto carpet. So what? He went face first, bumped himself a bit, did it again, got upset and then decided feet first is so much better. Thankfully, he’s applied this to the stairs as well, where I am not as willing to let him experiment.
I totally get you on the “Since I can’t actually follow both of them around I’ve been forced to accept watching.” bit. It’s true. I try to mediate between being wild and imminent calamity, but within reason I just let them go.
October 30th, 2007 13:58
I remember that as a kid I used to run – not walk but RUN – along the top of a retaining wall at the “beach” near our house. I did this with no supervision and usually alone.
(I put beach in quotes because Maine beaches are mud, rocks and gravel and thus not what most people think of when they picture beach. )
If I had fallen off I would have had to either climb the stairs with whatever I had broken and go the long way home, or scrambled up the mini-cliff short cut I usually used to get down to the beach. If the tide was low I could have gone the route of the slippery rocks. It kind of terrifies me in retrospect. I was, of course, always fine. I did have a friend break his wrist but that was because he tripped over his own two feet while walking on the ground.
I am going to make a real effort to remember that as the kids get older. You get bumped and bruised as a kid.
Kelly Jo – Your chicken coop line made be laugh at the keyboard. And your grandmother’s view is one I will recall when I am feeling especially guilty for insisting on having time for myself each day. Or every other day, at least.
October 30th, 2007 22:38
If you ever need a substitute teacher I’d be happy to step in for you. I’ve become a pro at neglecting all 4 of mine!
October 30th, 2007 23:11
I so want a chicken coop.
October 31st, 2007 02:36
don’t feel guilty … what do our children do while we are blogging away ..amuse themselves.Of course we let them explore their world but we jump when we hear the screams.
They had their hat and shoes on didn’t they ?
November 13th, 2007 12:32
[...] is a mother of twins, who very candidly, and with humor to spare, explains why she thinks she is a neglectful mother. I’ll never eat yogurt the same way [...]
November 13th, 2007 13:09
Your hilarious post has been nominated by our readers over at http://www.gnmparents.com for “Hot Stuff Of The Week.” Congrats, and good luck in the voting!
November 14th, 2007 13:03
I could totally teach that class!
Here’s to to us, the one’s enjoying our coffee on the bench
December 31st, 2007 04:45
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