Really Bad Toys
Sure, you could just get the latest lead-paint-covered made-in-China about-to-be-recalled toy, but why settle? You can reach for the truly horrible toys this holiday season. You can strive to make the neighbors think, “What the FUCK is wrong with those people?”
With that in mind, I humbly offer some suggestions.
The Hello Kitty Assault Rifle (order here) For when your girly girl wants to express her second amendment rights.
Talking Jesus Doll: For only $24.95 you can completely objectify Jesus Christ within your child’s mind’s-eye into a small plastic figurine capable of a whopping six biblical sentences!
Nasty Little Bear: He farts, pukes, snorts and dry-heaves with 6 different disgusting sounds.
Resident Evil 2 William Birkin and Sherry Playset: This violently interactive toy borders on promoting incest, leaving that as a clear impression on children in testing. Give me more of that!
Pooping Reindeer Candy Dispensers
Atomic Energy Lab It was only sold in 1951 so you’ll have to track it down on e-bay, but how can you resist a toy that comes with a nuclear isotope that has since been linked to Gulf War Syndrome?
Stumble it!
Donate to the Zoë and Lennox Simpson Memorial Fund
October 30th, 2007 09:20
Thanks for the Christmas gift ideas. Love, Mom
October 30th, 2007 09:29
Very very funny.
October 30th, 2007 09:53
Just in time! My baby registry was looking a little skimpy.
October 30th, 2007 11:18
Wuss.
October 30th, 2007 11:52
I was really freaked out, until I discovered that the hello kitty thing is actually fake. Though it seems like some of the others are actually real. Yikes.
October 30th, 2007 11:56
Just for the record I when I first glanced at this post this morning I thought you were making this stuff up — OH! Stacie, you’re so funny and creative, too! It wasn’t until I actually clicked on the links that I found out this crap is REAL! Now I am afraid….very afraid.
October 30th, 2007 12:34
I like the pooping reindeer candy dispensers. At least it makes it clear to the child that they are eating crap. Thanks for the link!
October 30th, 2007 14:42
I have to admit that I was impressed by the pooping reindeer’s company name: Gourmet Candy Stand.
Umm…what translation of “gourmet” are they working from? In MY world, gourmet food is never pretend poop. Never ever.
October 30th, 2007 14:49
I think that, other than the gun, it is all real though some of it is mercifully out of production.
October 30th, 2007 23:04
Yikes!
At first, I thought you were going to suggest a Bratz doll, and I thought oh ho hum… yeah sure it’s S&M / Bondage dolls for my lil girlz….
October 31st, 2007 03:44
OMG we had my MIL give our oldest DS the pretend reindeer poop …he didn’t like it either. I can’t remember about the reindeer ??? I am too tired to remember something so tacky LOL. She gives good presents NOT !
October 31st, 2007 13:05
My sister in law gave my husband the pooping reindeer last year for Christmas. It was funny and extremely odd watching him eat the poop candy but then we weren’t sure what to do with it. It’s not exactly an heirloom item.