The Twinkies

1 small step for my abdomen, 1 large step for sanity.

I walked downtown today for the first time since the kids were born, discovered that when you have twins you never lack for conversational partners, bought some cute baby outfits, new, larger diaper covers and an iced tea.

Free at last, free at last…

The past day’s schedule:

6:00 PM: B. home. I tell him he needs to take over, it’s been a rough day.

6:30 PM: dinner. Take turns eating while one person attends to whomever is crying.

7:00 PM: Go upstairs to shower. Breasts leaking. Pump. Bring milk down. Both babies are crying. Sit and feed J. while B. feeds F.

8:00 PM: Take 2 on the shower

9:00 PM: Go to bed.

10:30 PM: Pump

12:30 PM: Wake up to pump. Turn off air conditioner downstairs and in spare bedroom (which B. had turned on for reasons that I am sure made sense at the time.) Let cat out of storage room, which she managed to get locked in since 2.

1:30 AM: Feed, burp, change F.

1:45 AM: Pump

2:00 AM: Feed, burp, change J. Pees while changing him. I am so tired I stare at arc of urine in utter perlexity.

3:00 AM: turn out lights, go to “sleep”

3:45 AM: Feed F.

4:00 AM: Pump

4:30 AM: Feed J. Have meltdown. Leave babies in bassinet and go to basement for 15 minutes. They are quiet when I get back. This lasts until I get into bed.

5:00 AM: put J. on chest in hopes that will soothe him. Alternate between patting and rubbing back for 45 minutes.

5:45 AM: Get up. Feed J. Change J.

6:00 AM: Feed and change F.

6:15 AM: Suspicious sound causes me to change J. again. Poops twice and pees once while I am changing him.

7:00 AM: Doula arrives. God is good. She takes over.

7:05 AM: Breasts leaking prolifically. Pump.

7:30 AM: Go to sleep

9:30 AM: Pump

9:45 AM: Go to sleep

12:00 Noon: Nurse F.

1:00 PM: Feed J.

2:00 PM: Feed J. and F., alternating as they cry. Change when done.

3:00 PM: Change sheets on bed.

4:00 PM: same as 2:00, with a bath thrown in (for them, not me)

4:45 PM: B. home early. Watches babies while on conference call.

Autolysis.

My uterus is busy undergoing autolysis, which basically means it is self-destructing. All the extra infrastructure that was built up during the pregnancy is getting consumed and passed out in the form of blood and tissue.

My life seems also to be undergoing autolysis. I used to have hobbies, interests, thoughts. Now I feed, change, burp and try to convince 2 people to sleep. The free time I have is used to sleep myself. Everything that made up my identity has been sucked away into the great maw that is motherhood. To make things worse, I don’t seem to be very good at this. The world is full of twin mothers who exclusivly breast fed their infants without help, apparently while also juggling fire, working full time and saving the world. Meanwhile, I can barely manage to feed each baby 40 - 50% breastmilk. I spend so little time holding J. that I don’t even think he knows I am his mother. I hate breastfeeding, I am in constant pain of one sort or another, the incision still hurts so much that sometimes I can barely walk and I have almost no appetite. We broke down and hired help that will start coming in next week, at which point my mother will go home.

And, we have an ant problem.

Sleep, sweet sleep, sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care.

Sleep is better than sex. Sleep is better than food. Sleep is better than anything else in the entire world. If the U.S. did to prisoners of war (or “enemy combatants” to use the current wishy-washy nomenclature) what these babies are doing to me we would get a firmly worded letter of protest from Amnesty International.

Tuesday:

• pumped 7 cc of breastmilk a time
• both babies down at 3:45 Am

Wednesday:

• pumped 30 cc of breastmilk at a time
• can bend enough to put underwear on by myself

Thursday:

• pumped 60 cc of breastmilk at a time
• was able to calm both J. and F. by putting them to breast at the pediatricians
• had a good night
• both babies latched and nursed

Friday:

• pumping still going well
• another good night (at least as of when I’m typing this)