The Twinkies

My cervix is stupid.

When all the other cervixes got to go out to recess, it had to stay inside and practice its numbers. And, as far as I can tell, it still never got past “1″. This is a piece of anatomy that is not getting the message.

Last night was 5 more hours of false labor. The contractions were so strong I could not talk through them and, at their peak, were happening about 4 minutes apart and lasting about a minute. Then, about 4:20 AM, they started to slow down and by 5:30 I was back in bed. At my bi-weekly appointment this morning the midwife did an internal exam and discovered that after all this false labor I remain one centimeter dilated. One. Remember, 10 is the goal. She was planning to bring me up at the afternoon “high risk” meeting and “plead my case.”

In other news, I am healthy, the babies are healthy, everyone is healthy. I can barely function I am so tired after night after night of labor pains, but, hey, who’s counting? I can’t get past “1″ anyway.

Still here. Still pregnant.

Things to Avoid Saying to a Very Pregnant Woman

1. Are you still pregnant? Umm. Yes. And thanks for the reminder. Of course, if the answer is no, but I still LOOK pregnant, well, is that really a conversational corner you want to back yourself into?

2. You’re huge. What is it about pregnancy that seems to eliminate personal conversational boundaries? If you don’t want me to say any variation on “You’re fat,” don’t say it to me.

3. Hey, Mom. I am not your mother. I am more than my ability to gestate. In fact, I have an identity and a name that I have been using quite happily for over 30 years. How about referring to me by that.

4. Is it twins? This is basically a variation on “You’re huge” and you might be amazed how many total strangers feel free to ask it. It’s not so bad if the answer is “Yes,” but if the answer is “No,” look out.

5. How did you conceive twins? We did it twice in one night.

6. Do twins run in your family? Why not just come out and ask whether we used drugs? Do you share your medical information with everybody? Then don’t ask me to share mine.

7. What’s the gender(s)? This one comes up a lot in grocery stores for some reason. Do I know you? Why are you asking me questions about my life at all? Just bag the groceries. Of course, if I say “One of each” that inevitably brings on “Do twins run in your family” so I try to avoid answering. Note, if someone does answer “one of each,” don’t then ask: “Are they identical or fraternal?” because it makes you look like a moron.

8. Are you planning a natural birth? No, I was going for one of those artificial births.

9. Are you planning to breastfeed? Planning on asking for a taste?

10. Do NOT immitate the waddle. A woman at work did this and remains lucky to this day that I am not very fast any more.

Still here. Still pregnant.

We’ve started trying natural (meaning “old wives tales”) “hurry it up, already” methods.

• Last night we went out for spicy food, and not the lame, Yankee spicy food that most northerners like, but the hot stuff B.
  won’t touch. He told me I was nuts, but I ate a LOT of salsa that was little more than raw peppers chopped up. Nothing.
• Afterwards, we walked all the way “downtown” and got ice cream. Maybe waddled is a better word. My back was very painful by the time we were done, but nothing contraction wise.
• I’ve been drinking red raspberry leaf iced tea in large quantities. Nothing.
• B. has been rubbing my swollen, ugly feet on the accupressure points that are supposed to start labor. My feet are very tender because of the swelling, but all that has come out of this is yelping.

And so on.

This morning my friend, false labor, came back, so I got up at about 5:15. I’ve been having mild but noticeable contractions every 30 minutes or so since 4:45. At least this is better timing than usual; my false labor usually happens between 11 PM and 4 AM. Don’t get excited.

Another NST and nothing has changed. Still here, still pregnant.

I had another one of those fun, false labor nights last night. You know, painful contractions that get you nowhere? I really love those; all the fun of regular labor but only half the calories.